Barbie: Perfectly Plastic, Perpetually Pleasing
By now I’m sure you’ve seen or at least heard of Barbie (the movie) and of America Ferrera’s speech towards the end of the movie. It starts with “It is literally impossible to be a woman…” and at the very end says…
“I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us”
(for the full speech click here)
AGREED.
Have you ever felt like this? Like you have to tie yourself up in knots to make other people like you? Like you have to make yourself smaller in order to stay in a relationship with other people? That your brain is constantly alert to what other people might be thinking of you no matter what you say or do.
It’s an exhausting way to live for sure.
Now I want you to picture what life could be like if you let yourself take up space in your relationships. You aren’t worried anymore about how others’ view you. Your brain has freed up all that room that it used to store all of these worries and fears about losing other people in. In its place is lightness, confidence, and a feeling of security. You’re confident that the people in your life love you and are going to stay in relationship with you. You feel assured that if you ask for what you need from others, they will meet those needs and you won’t feel shame about that.
In Barbie, stereotypical Barbie is having an identity crisis as she realizes that she doesn’t know what skills she can offer those around her. I think this is something we all go through at some point in our lives–trying to figure out our place in the world and the value we can bring to other people.
The trouble is, that sometimes we learn that our only or most valuable skill is what we can do for others. That can be rewarding as we help the people we love and care about, and it can be bad for us if we overvalue that skill. If we start to believe that people are only in relationships with us because of what we can do for them, what kind of a relationship is that? Then we can start to believe that if we’re burnt out or need something from others then we are less valuable, not good enough, or that people will stop being in relationship with us.
Oftentimes when we let these fears take over, we start shoving our needs down so we can do more for other people so they won’t leave.
I completely get it! We all need relationships and we all want to stay in relationship with other people. And sometimes we think the best way to do that is to forget our own needs so that other people can get what they need and then we can both be happy! But in reality, relationships need a give and take. Meaning, you can’t always give. It isn’t realistic or healthy for you to always be tied up in knots about what other people think or need.
If you’re stuck in this place of not feeling good enough, just know that I see you. I see the pain and the fears that come up with that. You’re not alone.
And if you’re stuck there you might be thinking, what can I do to get out of this pattern of doing for other people and ignoring my own needs? Here are some thoughts:
Recognizing this pattern truly is the first step towards healing. There are so many people out there who don’t even recognize that they are in a place of constantly giving to others without taking a second thought to what they need. If you recognize you’re in this pattern, you’re already ahead of the curve and well on your way to helping this part of you heal. If you haven’t noticed this pattern yet, start reflecting on times when this part of you shows up. Is it around family? Is it when you try doing something for yourself?
Start considering what is getting in the way of either you knowing what you need or asking for others to meet those needs for you. Is it a fear of others leaving? Or maybe it’s about not wanting to be a burden to the people around you? Whatever you find, this will be helpful in eventually changing those patterns as you notice the barriers you come up against in knowing or asking for what you need.
Reflect on where this pattern could have started. I know some people think that if they say this pattern started in childhood–they’re automatically blaming their parents for their current situation. In my opinion, this couldn’t be further from the truth! We all need to look at our past in order to understand how we came to believe that these strategies are best for us in relationships. The purpose isn’t to find blame with someone, the purpose is to find the source of this pattern in order to heal it more fully.
Of course, these steps are only the beginning to healing! If you identify with this idea of people-pleasing and feel like you want more in depth healing and guidance, I’m glad you’re here and I would love to walk this journey with you.
I help women get in touch with this part of them that tries so hard to please other people, so we can learn what that part needs and meet those needs for it. My hope in that is to help the people-pleasing part get quieter as we grow the part of you that knows what you need so you can move into healthier relationships with yourself and the people around you.