The Hidden Cost to People-Pleasing
Have you ever felt worried that you aren’t good enough? That no matter how much you strive to be the best partner, friend, family member you always end up in this place of feeling like what you have to offer just isn’t enough. You try to make everyone happy because you think if you meet their needs, they might not notice your flaws and you might forget this feeling for a while too. At the end of the day though you end up wondering if people love you for you or for what you do for them.
I want you to picture what it would feel like to finally be in touch with that part of you that fears you aren’t good enough and heal it. You feel confident in yourself and in what you bring to a relationship. Instead of constantly striving, you feel at ease in your relationships and assured that they love you for you. Even if those pesky thoughts of “not good enough” pop up, you’re able to soothe that part of you and keep moving throughout your day. You are completely sure that your loved ones want to hear what you need and that you felt comfortable enough to 1. Know that for yourself and 2. Share that with them. You feel safe, secure, and at peace.
You deserve to have that kind of connection with yourself and others.
You might be wondering to yourself, does this thing I do have a name? And the thing is, there are many ways people try to describe this experience! Whether they call it “anxiety”, “people-pleasing”, “insecurity”, etc. it can all be related to this way of being.
For the sake of this post I’m going to call it “people-pleasing”. Here are some questions to reflect on to see if people-pleasing is something you experience:
If someone asks what you want to do, do you immediately ask them what they want before answering for yourself? Or do you say something like “whatever you want” or “I’m fine with whatever”?
Is it hard to know what you want/need in general?
Do you feel like a burden if you ask for something you need or want?
Do you feel guilty if you engage in an activity that is solely for you and your wellbeing and not focused on others? (ex: I went to go workout at the gym and left my kids with my husband instead of having more family time)
Does it feel hard to set boundaries with others because you would feel guilty for not doing exactly what someone is asking you to do?
Do you feel like your brain can’t “shut off” while it’s around other people? Or that you are constantly thinking about what the “right thing” to say is or what the other people need?
If you answered most of these with a “yes” then simply take that as a note to yourself that there is a part of you that you might be putting aside in these moments to care for others. And this is the part of you that you could get in touch with better.
I help women get in touch with this part of themselves so they can learn what they need and how to share that with their loved ones. Why? Because this is how healthy relationships are created! Healthy relationships involve both people sharing how they feel and what they need in appropriate ways.
Women I've worked with have shared with me that their desire in focusing on other people’s needs is to create more connection. If that’s you, I want to say that you’re in good company and I completely understand. It makes so much sense that you want to keep people close to you!
Something to think about though is how the very thing you’re doing to try and create connection with others, actually keeps them from knowing you. This creates a false connection of sorts where they get to feel really seen and known but you don’t.
It’s wonderful to be the person that helps others feel seen and loved and we all need that! And when we’re stuck in this pattern we can convince ourselves that we’re being selfless or doing the “right thing” because it’s making other people feel good! In reality, this is an unsustainable way to live. No one can go on giving to everyone else forever without having their needs met too.
If this feels like you, I want you to know there’s hope. You don’t have to stay stuck in this pattern of constantly giving to others and ignoring your own needs. There can be a beautiful balance that leads to life-giving relationships, joy, and peace! I would love to help you get there.