Is it people-pleasing or just being nice?
Here’s the scenario: Your mom just asked you to take care of her dog for a week while she’s gone. She lives halfway across town (it’ll take you at least 45 minutes one-way to get to her place), she’s asking you the night before she leaves for vacation, and you work full time. Of course you want to help her because she’s your mom and you love her, but you can’t ignore the fact that this is very inconvenient and she didn’t give you enough lead time to situate yourself well to help her. Now you’re faced with a choice: do I say no and disappoint my mom, or do I say yes and overwork myself to make this happen?
Inevitably you choose to say yes because it “seems easier”. You can deal with your own burnout and disappointment, but not your mom’s. It would crush you to know that you could’ve helped her and didn’t, even if you helped her at the expense of your well-being.
Is this altruism or people-pleasing?
This might not be your exact situation but here are some things to ask yourself to help you determine if you’re people-pleasing or being kind:
Intentions: Why am I saying yes to this person? Is it “because I don’t want to make them feel bad”, “I don’t want to disappoint them”, “it will be easier if I say yes”, “I don’t want to put them in a bad spot by having to ask someone else”?
Feelings: What happens internally when you think about saying no? Do you feel sick to your stomach? Are you worried that this person might be mad at/upset with you if you say no? Do you feel guilty for even considering saying no?
Beliefs: What do you tell yourself about if you were to say no? Do you tell yourself you’re a “bad daughter/partner/friend” if you say no? Do you tend to blame yourself for that person’s troubles if you say no and they have to find another workaround?
If you find yourself saying yes to these experiences, you are probably people-pleasing. Often, people who struggle with people-pleasing will blame themselves for other’s issues. They will feel burdened by someone asking them for something because they feel like they “can’t say no” or else they will feel badly about themselves. Most people-pleasers find it easier to do what other people are asking instead of saying no because saying no will bring up a lot of shame and feelings of guilt that are hard to navigate.
I want you to ask yourself this: what if you could say no and not feel guilty? Imagine how life could be so much more peaceful and easy if you could be honest with yourself about what you need and from there assess if you can fulfill other people’s requests. Instead of going down a spiral of trying to please someone when they ask you to do something, you’re in touch with yourself and what you need. You don’t feel burdened by other people’s desires because you trust that you’re allowed to say no and if they’re upset about that, that’s okay too. That doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship with that person. You realize: You’re allowed to have needs just like they are!
You can assure yourself that when you do say yes to things you will 1. Have the bandwidth for those tasks and 2. That it will be out of genuine love for other people.
Now this isn’t binary–it’s not either people-pleasing OR being nice however here are some ways to think through this further.
Ways to know it’s kindness:
You feel free to make whatever decision you need to make for yourself! You take your needs and what the person is asking into account to determine what decision to make.
When you think about saying yes it doesn’t feel like a big burden or that it will turn into resentment later on.
You feel confident that your relationship can withstand you saying no, so you don’t always have to say yes.
Please know that sometimes people’s asks will feel like a burden whether or not you struggle with people-pleasing! The goal isn’t to stay unburdened when people ask things of you, the goal is to know when that burden is adding too much to your plate right now and you need to say no.
As an aside, just because it’s not out of kindness doesn’t mean that you have to say no or that you shouldn’t help people! We all have our own limits of what we are willing to do. This is just to help you become aware of why you’re doing what you’re doing so that when these situations come up you can say no easier when you need to.
If you struggle with people-pleasing and want to get out of that constant cycle of always saying yes to others at the expense of yourself, I would love to help you get to a place of confidence, peace, and self-assuredness.