Guilt-Free Boundaries: Creating the Life You Deserve
Imagine that someone you love walks up to you and asks you to do something that you know is going to take a huge toll on you and you don't have the capacity. Do you think to yourself: A. I should do it anyways or B. I better say no?
If you're in the first group I bet you might even start to tell yourself how selfish you're being if you even CONSIDER saying no. You might convince yourself that you definitely should just say yes because that'll be easier, right? It'll feel easier than feeling all the guilt and selfishness that consumes your mind when you say no. Unfortunately, when you say yes when you need to say no you start to feel resentful that the person asked and even angry at yourself for agreeing. You end up feeling used, unappreciated, and frustrated.
You’re allowed to have needs too.
Now picture what life could be like if you were able to say “I’m sorry, I can’t do that”. No excuses, no extra reasoning, just a simple statement. I imagine at first that might make you feel guilty, but lets look deeper. What if one day you could say that to someone you really care about and feel completely fine afterwards. You feel proud that you chose to take care of yourself! You feel secure in the fact that you were able to say no and the world didn’t fall apart, and rested because you didn’t overextend yourself. You feel more free to say yes to other requests because you trust that you will take care of yourself instead of saying yes at the expense of yourself.
It's okay to say no!
So how do we get to the place of setting boundaries without guilt?
What kind of a therapist would I be if I didn’t tell you to get to the root cause of something? The best way to address this is to start unpacking the underlying reasons why setting boundaries can feel so hard for you. Here are some examples of what could get in the way: having a trauma history, feeling like you “aren’t good enough” if you don’t always say yes to others, or even being so out-of-tune with yourself that you don’t realize you might need to say no. Of course you can start to do this on your own by asking yourself questions like:
What emotions come up for me when I think about saying “no” to someone?
What do I believe will happen if I say no to a loved one?
2. Some practical tips for setting boundaries in the moment:
Set expectations! Let's use the example of going home to visit your family for the weekend. If you know it’s best for you to only stay a few days instead of a week: set that expectation early and often. Remind your family in the days, weeks, months leading up to the visit that you’re only going to be there for a couple of days. This allows everyone to get used to that idea and know what to expect.
Stick to it! If you say you will or will not do something: please STICK TO IT! I know that’s hard. I know it’s painful. And you will need to do it anyways. Not sticking to your boundaries teaches the people around you that your boundaries don’t matter because they’re easily changeable. Your mental and physical health is worth sticking out the pain and discomfort of holding those boundaries!
Remind yourself of why you’re setting this boundary. Let's say you're visiting family only for 2 days because you need time to go home and get ready for a week of work. You know that you need that time to reset and do practical things so your week isn't crazy. You also know that some of your family members will be upset that you aren't staying very long. Remind yourself why it's important for you to go home early! And maybe even remind yourself what happens when you don’t (i.e., you get sick, you’re overworked, you have a shorter fuse, etc).
Set the boundary and walk away. Not really, but here’s what this means. Keep it simple: just say “I can’t do that” or “I won’t be able to make that event” or a simple “no”. The more information you give people the more that people view that as an opportunity to talk you out of your boundary. People see this as a way to help move stuff off of your plate so that you can help them. If the answer is no, just say no.
When you've done all you can: let it go. Easier said than done! I know! At the end of the day, if you clearly set a boundary, stick to it, and remind yourself why it's necessary that's all you can do. You can't force people to be happy about your decision, but you can rest knowing that you made this decision intentionally and for your good.
I know I write this very “matter of fact” but I want you to hear me when I say I get how hard this is. And I want you to know that these steps aren’t easy and they will take time to learn and implement. That’s okay! I want to encourage you to keep trying and don’t give up even if you go back on a boundary. Keep trying. I promise it’s worth it to take care of yourself in the end.
These are hard skills to learn and stick with alone. If you want someone to walk through this with you and help you find the underlying roots of why it’s hard to set boundaries, I would love to be that person.